Unfortunate Opinions Delivered Unfortunately

Yesterday I got an email from a woman who hasn't talked to me for six months. She's been nursing a grudge. We had a falling out when I told her I didn't want to sleep with her anymore.

She had always claimed to value the unromantic nature of our relationship and to be my friend above all else, but that turned out not to be the case when it became all I wanted. I was angry and hurt when she cut off all communication, but I decided to just give her all the time she needed to process her own hurt feelings. Maybe she would eventually see that there was no need to feel wronged by me and attempt some kind of reconnection, which I would gladly accept.

I thought that was what was happening when I got an email from her yesterday, titled "Useful Information." But instead, it was just a link to this feminist rant about how men need to behave if they are to call themselves feminists. I guess it's been making the rounds on Facebook. It's actually not a bad article, though a bit preachy and second-wavy. "Guys, if you say you're a feminist, you'd better stop following The Rules and follow these rules I just made up instead." That sort of thing.

Anyway, whatever the article's merits, the question of whether anyone thinks I do or do not deserve any particular label is of zero interest to me. And given that this woman knows that about me, I can't understand why she would break half a year's willful silence just to tell me that not wanting to have sex with her means I can't call myself a feminist.

For the record, though, here's what I think about this sort of I'm-a-woman-so-I-get-to-say-what-feminism-is-and-you-have-to-listen-because-you're-a-dude polemic:

If your brand of feminism, or any other social cause, includes the doctrine, "People of my group are born into a position of victimhood by the nature of the culture we live in, so people of your group must learn to be aware that you control my feelings and adjust your actions accordingly," you're not doing anyone any good. You will never change anything. Only an adult who has a nuanced understanding of what it means to be a human being and to love without need — who, therefore, claims responsibility for her own emotional state — can claim to be working towards greater equality and understanding among all people.

10/02 Addendum: I realized later (/was made to realize) that the above paragraph sounds like typical white privileged male, what-is-wrong-with-feminism, blinkered thinking. While I stand firm on all these points, I also understand that some talk about the realities of almost universal female oppression and the dire need for deeper male self- and cultural exploration would have given my points about fatalism vs. individual psychological freedom a more balanced context. 

It's also probably true that my criticisms are 100% about the reasons I received that article and 0% about it's content. I.e. I don't necessarily disagree with any of the author's points about how men's behaviour can be problematic; I just don't think I've done any of those things.

Finally, I get that this whole post comes off as bitter and petty. Please feel free to apply its title to the post itself, as well as the story related therein. Thanks.